


Used

by despommes



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: F/M, Sexual Assault, trigger warning, tw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-05
Updated: 2018-08-05
Packaged: 2019-06-22 02:35:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15571794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/despommes/pseuds/despommes
Summary: “You use people, Jowan. That is all you have ever done. You used me. And you’re still doing it. I’ll help you get into the repository. I’ll help you destroy your phylactery, and I’ll help you and Lily get out of here. You could walk straight into Lake Calenhad for all I care. I will do all this so that I never have to see your face again.”





	Used

**Author's Note:**

> The following work contains graphic depictions of rape and sexual assault, as well as the psychological trauma that follows as a result. Please, PLEASE, do not read if the thought of sexual abuse and violence makes you uncomfortable in any way. It is not to upset anyone with this piece of fiction. Please take this warning into account before proceeding.

Jowan had been many firsts for her.

He was her first friend in the Circle. Five years old and trembling, they’d dragged her through those tremendous doors and into the tower. Her mother’s screams were still ringing in her ears. The templar holding her by the wrist left her with a gaggle of other children, some human and some elven, some dressed in rags and others in silks. All with the same wide eyes. A tall, frightening man in templar armor barked at them all to stand side by side in a straight line, then began to inspect them “for disease.” As he faced the first child in line, a little girl even smaller than she was, she felt a hand clasp around hers and grip it tightly. Her head whipped around to face the stranger at her side, matted hair flying about her dirty face. A boy, not much older than she was, smiled at her with watery eyes.

“I’m Jowan,” he said quietly. He was missing two teeth on the top row. He squeezed her fingers.

For a few seconds she stared at him. Everything around her was happening so quickly but she stood frozen in place, gaping at this little boy who was doing his best to make her feel less afraid. And he did, a little.

“I’m Nito,” she croaked.

His smile widened. Her eyes began to swim. She shut them tight and, lowering her head, began to sob.

 

 

\--

 

From then on they are inseparable. They study together, practice spells together, explore the tower together. Nito let Jowan look at her assignments and essays as he finished his own. Jowan let Nito climb into his bunk with him on the nights she could still her mother shrieking her name. Years went by, and one night when she was twelve years old and Jowan fourteen, they decided to steal a draconology book out of the restricted collection. They waited until the dead of night, dodging templars on patrol in the hallways and sneaked their way into the library. They held their breath while they made sure the attending archivist was asleep and drooling on his parchment. Nito charmed the lock open on the chained shelves. Jowan’s hands shook as he gripped the back of her robes, watching behind them in case anyone showed up. Nito snatched the book from the shelf and locked it back, turning around with a grin on her face and their prize clutched in her hand. They dashed out of the library stifling giggles, and before they made it back to the bunks Jowan yanked her into a hidden alcove. Before she could ask what he was doing, he kissed her full on the mouth. Nito stood frozen in place as his lips closed over hers, but before she could say anything Jowan had pulled away and they were running down the corridor again. It had been her first kiss.

 

\--

 

They never spoke of it. It was as if nothing had ever happened. Years passed, and neither she nor Jowan ever brought it up. Nito eventually convinced herself she must have dreamt the whole thing. But as she grew into her adolescence, things began to change. By fifteen, she had sprouted several inches and she was beginning to  _ develop _ , as the old crone in robe acquisitions had told her. She was by no means a grown woman, but others in the tower no longer treated her like a child. Boys looked at her differently. It made her uncomfortable. She focused on her lessons, delving into her magic at a pace Jowan could no longer keep up with.

“Why do I even bother,” he huffed one night in one of the apprentice studies. He slammed his exam onto the table. It was covered in ink marks and notes. A failing grade sat at the top of the parchment like a brand.

“What happened?” Nito asked over the tome she had been reading. “Jowan, we spent hours going over entropic laws! I thought you had them committed to memory.”

“Well obviously I didn’t,” he groused. “And let me guess, you passed with flying colors?”

“We studied the same passages. I shared my notes with you. How did you fail?”

“Because I’m an idiot, Nito!” Jowan snapped at her. She jumped a little. “You’re the damn prodigy and I’m the just the dunce that tags along behind you because you feel  _ sorry _ for me.”

“That’s not true and you know it.”

“Do I?” He jabbed a finger at his exam. “Because all evidence seems to point to the contrary.” His face was set firmly in a scowl, and for a moment it looked as though he was on the verge of tears.

“We can go over them again,” she offered, reaching out for his hand.

“Just leave me alone.”

Jowan turned to walk out. Nito’s chair scraped back as she jumped up, ready to chase after him.

“Jowan, please--”

As her hand closed around his wrist, she felt him grab her. He whipped her around and slammed her against the wall. The breath was knocked out of her in a choked exhale, and then Jowan was pinning her body in place with his own. She tried to say something to him, but his hand clamped around her jaw and he kissed her. Nito’s heart hammered behind her ribs, and as she tried to decide whether or not she should kiss him back she felt his tongue, hot and wet, tracing at the seam of her lips. She tried to pull away and say his name. As soon as her lips parted he shoved his tongue into her mouth. It was like he was trying to lick his way to the back of her throat. Nito felt Jowan’s hands slide over her neck and further down, and then he was squeezing at her breasts. It was not gentle. His thumbs dug into her nipples, rubbing hard circles over them. She made a frightened sound, eyes open wide and hands clutching at his shoulders.

After what seemed like an eternity, he pulled away and panted into her temple. She wanted to push him away, to ask him what the fuck he thought he was doing, but he pressed his hips into hers and she  _ felt _ him. Her voice turned to glass in her throat and she froze.

“Nito,” he crooned, lips pressed wetly into the tapered tip of her ear. “Please, oh Maker, please don’t leave me behind.”

“What?” she finally managed to whisper. She sounded fragile.

“You’re going to leave me behind, I know you are. You’re so smart and they love you for it.” He pinched at her nipples and she gasped. He was hurting her. “They’re going to give you everything and I’m going to be left in the dust.”

“Jowan, please.”

“You can’t leave me behind, Nito.” One of his hands left her chest to claw at the back of her head. He forced her to look at him, grinding their foreheads together. His breath was ragged against her spit-slick lips. “You have to promise me.”

“I promise,” she gasped.

“You do?”

She nodded. The back of her skull scraped against the stone wall.

“Show me.” He suddenly grabbed at her shoulders. There were tears welling up in his eyes

“What are you doing?”

“Promise me, Nito.”

He started to push her down.

“Jowan, someone could walk in here and see.”

“No, no, no,” he murmured. “I locked the door. No one’s coming.”

His hands felt like they were going to bruise her skin. Nito swallowed at the lump burning into her throat. Her numb legs began to buckle, and her knees bent as he slowly forced her to the ground. Jowan’s thumb brushed at her bottom lip and she clenched her eyes shut.

“What… What do you want me to do?”

“Let me have your mouth,” he said, as though he were giving her a choice. Her mouth flooded with saliva, like it did before she was about to be sick. “Please, Nito.”

“Okay.”

He tore at the front of his robes. She turned her head to the side, eyes still closed. The rustling of cloth abruptly stopped and Jowan’s fingers were at her jaw again.

“I don’t know how to.” She gathered the courage to open her eyes and look straight up at him. “I’ve never done this before.”

“I-I know,” he stammered. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.”

“Jowan.”

“Promise me,” he said again. His voice was breaking. “Please, please promise.”

“I promise,” she whispered.

She felt the tip of him touch the dip between her chin and her mouth. She flinched. Jowan’s belly shuddered with the breath that left him. He touched her again, this time resting himself on the meat of her bottom lip. Nito closed her eyes and opened her mouth.

He tasted like salt and damp skin. He smelled like sweat. Jowan whimpered at the first brush of her tongue at the tip of his cock. “Oh, Maker,” he sighed. She pulled her tongue back and pursed her lips against him, almost like a kiss. He tugged at her jaw and pushed himself past her lips. Nito breathed hard through her nose. She licked at him again and again, wondering if that would be enough to get him off so she could stop.

“More.” Jowan’s fingers raked through her neat bob. He grabbed a fistful of it. “You can take more.” As if to prove his point, he pressed his hips forward, forcing himself farther past her lips. The hand in her hair yanked her head forward and then back, and Nito whimpered in pain. “Oh, Maker, just like that.”

She tried to bob her head, like he was telling her. Her jaw started to grow sore. His cock sat heavy on her tongue. As the seconds ticked by, she could taste something slimy and pungent, and it only grew stronger as Jowan’s breath grew heavier. The heightening chorus of moans and “Please,” echoed in her ears even as she tried to block it out.

A few minutes passed like that. The shock had begun to fade, and the reality of what was happening to her was starting to sink in. Nito’s heart was hammering in her chest. She had been nearly ready to panic when Jowan’s breath suddenly stuttered. She felt his thighs tremble. “Oh, Maker, Nito.” Her eyes went wide. She braced her hands against his hips and readied to push him away, but Jowan thrust  _ hard _ before pulling away and doing it again. Nito squealed even as she choked. The sound was muffled into his robes. Jowan choked her again and again, babbling as he did, until finally he buried himself has deep as he could. Nito felt short, curly hair against her lip as she gagged, unable to breathe. A litany of her name and small breathy “oh’s” spewed from Jowan as he came in her mouth.

Nito held her breath. His come on her tongue was bitter and alkaline and she panicked with the need to spit it out. Bile rose in her throat and threatened to make her sick. Jowan was watching though, and he held her jaw around his cock, shaking his head. She whimpered and tried to thrash away from him.

“Swallow it,” he whispered. “Swallow, it, Nito, you promised me.”

Her hands scrabbled against his hips, nails digging into his robes. Tears gathered in her eyes. Nito took two deep breaths, looked up at his face, and swallowed. Jowan let out an audible whine at that. His eyelids fluttered closed and his head tilted back. The hands holding her in place fell, and Nito jerked away from him. She gagged and coughed into her shoulder.

Jowan pulled her to her feet as she sputtered. Tears streamed down her face and she was beginning to sniffle. Her robes were wrinkled and dirty around her knees and one sleeve was spotted with spittle. He drummed his fingers over her bottom lip and, for one twisted moment, she hoped he would kiss her again. Kiss this whole thing better and make everything like it was before. Like this had never happened.

What he did instead, as she tried to stifle her sobs and wipe her nose, was tuck himself back into his robes and back away from her. She leaned limply against the wall and watched him walk to the door.

“Wait about twenty minutes and then leave,” he told her. She stared blankly after him. “I… I’ll see you tomorrow, all right?”

Nito nodded. He left. She sat there for far longer than twenty minutes. She held in her sobs until her throat cramped. Once her eyes dried, she dusted off her robes and gathered her study things before opening the door out into the hallway. A templar at the end of the corridor saw her and began to crankily make his way over.

“It’s  _ late _ ,” he growled at her. “Apprentices should have been in quarters an hour ago.”

“I’m sorry.” Her voice was thin. “I lost track of time, and I… I…” She trailed off and felt the blood drain from her face. The only warning her body gave her was a weak flutter in her stomach before she vomited on the stone floor.

“Oh, Andraste’s flaming ass!” The templar rolled his eyes. He yanked her by the elbow and pushed her down the hall. “Get out of here! Get to your quarters!”

Nito ran down the corridor. She ran and did not stop until she was in her bunk. She did not bother undressing, just threw the blankets over her head and bit down on her pillow until she was convinced she was not going to start screaming.

 

\--

 

She sucked his cock eleven more times over the next two years. After a while she began to get pretty good at it and, perversely enough, enjoy it a little bit. 

She managed to convince herself the first time was just a fluke. That Jowan had been upset, and he wasn’t trying to force himself on her. He wasn’t trying to hurt her. Maybe she even wanted it. She had told him it was okay, hadn’t she? It never happened again, and, not unlike the first time he kissed her, she put it out of her mind until it could have almost been a dream.

She liked kissing him. She loved the sounds she could pull from him with her tongue and her teeth. She loved hearing the stutter in his breath. Affection in the circle was hard to come by, and Jowan was her best friend. It was fun.

Until Irving announced her Harrowing date.

Suddenly Nito was under an immense amount of pressure. Templars began to stare after her in the corridors like she was about to burst into flames. Other mages felt the need to offer their support. “Remember dear, do your best in the Harrowing and you’ll be a full-fledged mage! Or you’ll become an abomination and have to be destroyed.”

Jowan began to pull away from her. She could feel it. He would never admit it to her, but he resented her for it. “Getting a little old for an apprentice,” he would mutter about himself, half joking and half not.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Jowan,” she’d say. “Irving will announce your Harrowing when he thinks you’re ready.”

But she knew what he was thinking.  _ You promised me,  _ his voice echoed in her eyes. A shiver shook her to her core.  _ You promised me you wouldn’t leave me behind. _

The night before her Harrowing, she slid into his bunk. The apprentice quarters were mostly empty, all other occupants either dead asleep or out studying for final exams.

“I’m frightened,” she whispered.

“Don’t be daft.” Jowan placed an arm around her. “You’ll be fine.”

“What if something goes wrong?” Nito worried at her bottom lip with her teeth. “What if I end up stuck in the fade? What if I find a demon?”

Jowan sat up. He grabs her by the chin. “Listen to me. None of that is going to happen. Do you understand? You are the brightest mage that has ever been dragged to this damn tower, and if every other half wit mage here can pass their Harrowing then you won’t have any problem doing it either.”

“Oh, Jowan.” She smiled shyly. “You really think I’m bright?”

Jowan rolled his eyes. He pulled his arm away. “For the love of Andraste, you’re pig-headed.”

Nito giggled. She swung her leg over Jowan and sat astride his hips. She planted her hands on his chest. She could feel his heart flutter under her palms.

“Nito,” he murmured.

“Should everything go as it’s supposed to,” she said, “tonight is my last night in the apprentice quarters.”

Jowan’s throat bobbed as he swallowed. “And?”

“And.” She shifted her hips back, ever so slightly, and Jowan made a soft sound in his throat. “I’d like to make it special.”

“Is that why you’re not wearing any knickers?”

Nito leaned back so she could better look down at him. “How can you tell that?”

“I…” Jowan’s hands moved to her sides. “I can  _ feel _ you.”

Despite all times she had ventured below his waist, Jowan had never touched her. He’d never even seen her out of her clothes. She wanted to change that. If she might die the next morning, then she wanted someone to know her this way. Jowan was her friend. Jowan would remember her.

“Can I?” she asked, moving lower over his body.

“Yes,” he breathed, “Yes,  _ Maker _ .”

Nito slid between his legs and lifted pulled his sleeping robe away. His cock sat on his belly, half hard and flushed. She leaned down and gave it an experimental lick. Jowan’s fingers tangled in her hair, pushing her head lower to his skin.

She sucked him slow, dragging the whole thing out as long as she could. Jowan’s hips twitched under her. Her thighs clenched over her sex and Nito sighed through her nose. She lowered one of her hands down and use it to tease at her core.

“Nito,” Jowan gasped, “Nito, are you--?”

She slid his cock from her lips and nodded, moaning coquettishly as she did.

“Fuck.” Jowan pressed the heels of his palms into his eyes. “Fuck, come here.”

She did so, quickly, and went back to straddling his hips. The wet heat of her sex met his bare skin and they both shuddered. Jowan threw his nightshirt over his head. Her hand reached back down but he swatted it away.

“No, let me,” he growled. She nodded. He cupped her sex and she keened. “Show me where to touch you.”

“Here.” She reached down and placed his thumb over her clit. “Here,  _ oh _ .”

His thumb grinded at her and Nito’s head tilted back. Her hips moved unconsciously with him. It was not exactly enough to bring her to climax, but she lost herself in him all the same.

Jowan sat up and used his free hand to tug at her own nightshirt. It followed his and Nito sat astride him, fully naked. Her skin practically glowed in the dark room and Jowan groaned. His hand slid clumsily against her, and then he clapped his palm over her mouth. Nito cried out and he slipped two fingers inside of her. It hurt.

“Jowan,” she tried to say, but it was muffled into his skin. He pumped his fingers in and out. Nito squirmed between the pain of being penetrated and the pleasure of his thumb still grinding against her. His head lowered to one of her breasts and he  _ bit _ her.

Nito cried out. “Shhh,” Jowan hissed. “You’ll wake someone.”

She ducked out from under his hand. “You’re hurting me,” she whispered.

“It’s  _ supposed _ to hurt.”

“How do you know?”

“Because I just do, okay?” Jowan spat. “No do you want this or not?”

She gaped at him for a moment. His eyes were narrowed and his cheeks were flushed. She nodded slowly.

“Good. Now please, try to be  _ quiet _ .”

He flipped them. She lay underneath him, and he told her to keep her hands under the pillow. “I want to touch you,” she whispered.

“If you touch me anymore it’s going to cut things short, okay?”

“Okay.”

She watched as he returned to her breasts. Jowan brushed the tip of his tongue over one she felt it in her core. She moaned quietly, hips squirming.

“You like that?” he asked, and did it again. She nodded quickly, teeth digging into her bottom lip. He sucked at her, switching between each breast as he pleased, and she writhed beneath him.

“Jowan,” she murmured, “Touch me, please. Anything.”

“Okay.” He sat back on his heels and took a deep breath. She felt his cock against the inside of her thigh. “I… are you ready?”

“I think so.”

“Okay. Okay,  _ shit _ .”

The head of him slid over her clit and she  _ gasped _ . Her hips twitched and Jowan reached down to hold her still.

“Please, please, oh Maker you can’t move like that.”

“I can’t help it.”

“Oh, fuck.” Jowan’s eyes shut tight. His head dropped low. Nito moaned as he dragged over her again, and then again, and again, and again. “Oh, Andraste’s fucking  _ tits _ .”

“Jowan,” she breathed, and then his body curled against hers. She felt him come over her flesh, felt him spread himself over her folds. Jowan groaned against her breast. Her hips rolled and he pinned her to the bed.

“ _ Please _ ,” he whined.

“I’m sorry.” She reached for him. “That was my fault.”

“Maybe you should go back to bed.”

“... What?”

“I…” Jowan pushed himself off her. “This… was a bad idea.”

“Jowan please.” Nito’s voice warbled and water started to gather in her eyes. “It was fine. Please.”

“Sorry.”

“I don’t want to be alone.” She sniffed. Jowan sighed. “I want to be with you.”

“Nito, just go.”

Jowan didn’t look at her as she pulled her nightshirt back on. She thought his face might have been red, but she couldn’t see it in the dark. When she got back to her bed, she remembered that night in the study. Her hands trembled and she sobbed into her pillow until the sun came up.

 

\--

 

“This is Lily.”

The world narrowed down to a fixed point. The rest of Jowan’s words were just noise to Nito. Her eyes flitted from him to Lily and back, again and again. Her stomach tied itself into a hundred knots.

“Nito, I think they’re going to make me tranquil. Please, you have to help me.”

“I have to go.”

She all but ran into the corridor. Jowan called after her but she did not slow down. She hit a dead end near the stairs and made to turn around. Jowan had caught up with her.

“What is the matter with you?”

“How long have you and… How long have you and Lily been…”

She couldn’t catch her breath.

“Four months.” Jowan sighed. “I didn’t tell you because I knew you’d do this.”

“Because you’ve been  _ lying  _ to me.”

“I never lied.”

“Lying by omission then!” she hissed. “Jowan, that night we… this whole time, you and Lily--”

“I know. I should have… I should have said something.”

“Yes, you should have!” Nito’s head began to spin. “Jowan, you’re supposed to be my friend.”

“I am your friend, Nito!” He stepped closer to her. His arms were stretched out to her. “I am. Please, Nito, I need you.”

“Does she suck your cock like I did?”

He stopped in his tracks.

“What?”

“Does she?” Nito blinks back tears. “Does she let you touch her like I did? Have you tried to fuck her too?”

“Maker’s breath, Nito, what does that have to do with--they’re going to make me tranquil!”

“Answer me.”

Jowan’s arms dropped to his sides. “No.”

“Why  _ not _ ?” she demanded. “Why the fuck not? Why her and not me?”

“It’s not like that with Lily. I… I love her.”

Nito’s heart fell through her stomach. Tears dripped down over her lips and off her chin. It took a tremendous amount of effort not to crumple to the floor.

“No, you don’t get to be the sad one.” Jowan jabbed a finger into her chest. “You told me you wouldn’t leave me behind. You promised. Now you’re the prodigy mage and they’re going to burn the magic out of me.”

“You… made me promise you that while you were raping me.”

“No! That is not what happened!” Jowan grabbed her wrist and yanked her towards him. “I didn’t rape you. How could you even say that? I needed you and, and you were there for me. That’s all it was.”

“Jowan, you cornered me in the middle of the night, locked the door and shoved me against a wall. You forced me down on my knees and you fucking _ raped  _ me.”

“Well then if it was so terrible, why did you spend the next two years on your knees for me?”

She shoved him. Jowan stumbled back, nearly falling to the floor.

“Fuck. You,” She spat at him. “You use people, Jowan. That is all you have ever done. You  _ used _ me. And you’re still doing it. I’ll help you get into the repository. I’ll help you destroy your phylactery, and I’ll help you and Lily get out of here. You could walk straight into Lake Calenhad for all I care. I will do all this so that I  _ never _ have to see your face again.”

“All right. You won’t.”

“Good. Now get away from me.”

She trembled as she watched him leave, shaking with equal parts anger and despair.

She helped them. Nito led Jowan and Lily through the depths underneath the Circle straight into the repository. She watched as Jowan destroyed his phylactery. She listened to them titter about the new life they would lead after they escaped the tower. And then when the templars and the First Enchanter descended upon them, she watched as Jowan disappeared from her life in a tidal wave of blood.


End file.
